ma⋅laise

  <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/audio.html/lunaWAV/M00/M0074200" target="_blank"><img src="http://cache.lexico.com/g/d/speaker.gif" border="0" /></a>  /mæˈleɪz, -mə-; Fr. maˈlɛz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ma-leyz, -muh-; Fr. ma-lez] 

1.	a condition of general bodily weakness or discomfort, often marking the onset of a disease.

2.	a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort.

This is where I am.  At 2 months of the single life under my proverbial belt, I've now been single longer than I have been since... I was 15?  6 years, almost 7 of constant serious relationships.  I'm on a self-imposed hiatus from them, and it sucks. In fact, I've been changing all of my life and I'm very off balance.

I don't smoke anymore, I'm not drinking soda, I don't eat beef, I'm unemployed, I'm single, I'm trying to be more careful about my weight.... I am not who I was. All of my habits and preferences are scrapped in favor of a healthier life.

Problem: I'm not yet happy with my decisions.  I know they're all positive changes, I just am so far out of my comfort zone that it scares me.

I'm also bored.  What now? I don't have a boy to constantly distract me, what to do with myself?!

I like lists.
I'm proud of myself for making really good choices lately.

I cut a negative influence loose (Joe)
I quit smoking
I walked for 30 mins yesterday
I walked probably an hour and a half last week
I have been doing light lifting during every session
I will walk for 30 mins today
Instead of my customary Chocolate muffin & Coke, today I had a blueberry muffin and Coke 0.
I am cleaning my room out

I want to do more. I will do more.
However, it's gonna be 1 step at a time

1.  It occurs to me that if I had stuck with my old LJ, people would read this.  People from my past that would regularly comment.
I think I'm kind of ok with not being read, except that I don't get external feedback.

2.  Ty's new girlfriend confuses me a tad.  I've never met her, but still... let's start with my "irked" side: Ty still hasn't mentioned her to me, and has barely talked to me at all. If she's taking my friend away from me, I will punch her face with my face.  She mentioned that I'm no competition for her and that sort of stuff.  Excuse me bitch, you don't know me. Don't talk shit if you don't want shit. Face punching.
Not irked side: Kiki says she's pleased that I want to meet her.  Cool.  Along the competition mention, I kind of respect the ego.  Plus, this means she knows I'm not trying to steal her man and will be more comfortable around me.  When I look at girlie's Facebook, I feel comfortable with her dating Ty. She obviously likes him a good bit and has a lot of similar interests and hobbies.  If she's Kirsten's friend, obviously she's a got a good personality.  And mostly, she doesn't look like a waste of space douche.  She looks like she can have some fun and isn't encumbered by norms. 
Final decision: I can't deny my gut feeling on this one.  I feel inherently comfortable with her and I feel like she's a LOT better for him than the last girl.  Funny, both he and I made huge mistakes with our rebounds.  And now are making better decisions.

3.  New topic: reuniting with an old friend. 
A few days back, I met up with an old friend for the first time in 4-5 years.  Made out for 6 hours, slept next to him for 3.  I'm impressed with what he's done with his life.  He lives on his own with a nice job and good stuff all around.  Paying his way through school.  Paying his own bills.  He's smart.  He's nice. He's moral.  Mos def have a crush on him like whoa.  He's all the things the other guys haven't been: he's a fiscally responsible adult.  BUT he can still have fun.  And he's a total romantic. 
But he's good.  Very very good.  I don't know if I can live up to his standards.  I'm uncomfortable not being the one who is more responsible.  I'm the driven one with a good head on.  He's better.  How do I deal with that?  I don't have anything to fix with him, it seems.  He's kind of overweight and while I like details about him, he's physically not ideal.  I am terrified of breaking him.  He's not... experienced.  I am.  I'm known for breaking the less stable boys.
Final thoughts:  I'm going to casually see him and let it go where it goes.  No commitment, no sex, no anything.  Just make outs and getting to know each other.  Time will make this decision for me.  In the meantime, I'm gonna make out with whomever I like and maybe carry on a purely sexual relationship with an ex for the fun of it.  Maybe I'll get 2 Valentine's Days (haha)

4.  Kirsten, if you read this, at least comment.

Blisters on my feet from bad quality heels

Georgia Highlands College stealing more and more of my personal money for less than adequate facilities, including a gym that looks like it could give me AIDS

Makeup and the need to go to great lengths to look like a girl is "supposed" to look like: flawless one tone skin, dark lashes, controlled, long hair left down, lips pinkish red, touch of color on the eyelids, pert butt, perky boobs, no tummy, high heels, sophisticated clothes that are not whorish but do exude sexual approachability...

Gay men that act like diva bitches.  Just because you like men doesn't allow you to be rude and mean and stupid.  And when you call me ugly, I laugh because I am a woman.  Essentially you just said I am not masculine. Thanks!  Not that your opinion matters anyway, your sexual activities involve poop.

The fact that on day 12 of not smoking, I hate it so far.

The fear of not being able to find a new job right now.

Exes.
 Here, though, is my saving grace:

I am infuriated.
I am anxious.
I am exhausted.

10am the hearing by the bankruptcy court as to what is going to happen to circuit city starts.  I'm terrified of how this could go. If we don't stay open, which is probably 80% likely to happen at this point, I will have no more job in 2 months.  What then?  I start a frantic job search in a town where from November to December the number of NEW unemployment filings rose 113%.  That many people are out there, trying for the same jobs as I, probably many with degrees already in hand.  If both of us want that McDonald's job flipping burgers, who gets it?

So there's that.

In addition, last night I was asked on a date by the ex, and so I went.  Joe and I got gussied up, went to dinner at Harvest Moon, had some excellent food and wine and came back and had a really great time here.

This is after yesterday waking up more than an hour early to be with him to get his checks and get them cashed, in exchange for breakfast. The check cashing place was closed and WalMart took forever so I was 1 minute late to work with $327 in my pocket that wasn't mine and a hunger in my belly and sleep still in my eyes.  Paid his bill, got someone to bring me breakfast on their way in, along with a Coke.  I even worked with the Verizon guy, Torey, to get his bill reduced by $36, and the phone line on Brock's phone switched to a shitty little phone so he no longer has it.  Better by far than the $145 it would've taken to cancel that phone and reduce his payments $40/month.  I'm awesome.

And then he deposited $100 into my checking account so he could pay his bill over the phone with my card.

Wonderful.

Last night his pump's infusion site got a little loose, and he pulled it out entirely.  This morning I go to wake him up so he can go to work, and he's feeling really bad.  Won't wake up.  A little while later, he says he can't
drive himself would I please drive him home to get his pump supplies.  Ok.  By the time we get there, he's puking and smelling of fruit.  He's in DKA, though it's mild.  We get his supplies and he's getting the pump ready as we drive.  His nose starts bleeding.  We turn around so I can run into his house for a roll of tp and his work clothes.  We finally get to my house and he as the pump in but is still recovering.  So I set up a mini ramp of pillows and blankets so he can sleep and not puke.  He's still in there.  I had plans today.  I refuse to cancel them on his behalf.

I break up with him, and I'm still wiping his ass.

He keeps apologizing.  So what?  I'm gonna take care of him if he needs it and I can.  I should've just dumped him at the er and said good luck, man.




Update: several news sources, but not my own company, broke that we're liquidating.  Goodbye, employment.  Circuit city notified the employees shortly after the news broke.  At least I will no longer have to be nice to customers.  And those who are rude can get hung up on.  Yes, this might be fun for the remaining 2 months.  But finding something new is going to be hard.

Joe and I had discussed at length the fact that we are not right together.  We discussed that this was putting a major strain on our happiness together.  It made us bicker and become miserable.  Neither of us needed or wanted that stress.  But since we still have romantic feelings for each other, we didn't want to totally let go.

It was determined we'd break up, but continue to see each other on a casual basis.  We agreed, laid out some terms, and fell asleep.

Last night he came over and suddenly he was sweeter than he had been in weeks, and funny.  He wanted to just get back together.  This dating stuff confused him, he's never been in that in between place where you aren't together or apart.  It's silly to not be fully together if we love and care about each other.

Then he asked me if I was doing this cus I wanted to see other people.

My response was that I don't want to be with ANYONE.  I want to be alone and productive.  I want to have solitude because I need to concentrate on other things for now.

This is true, mostly.  But I will see other people. Probably no sexuality, just fun little dates.  I want to have fun.

But this leaves me confused.  Why is he suddenly nicer?  or is he?  If i got back with him would he stay nice or would he go back to bitter and frustrated?  Does it matter? I liked it when we had fun, but is it enough to warrant giving up the independence?

I just don't know anymore

And.... here it is!
On 1/10/09 at 8:15 pm, the most wonderful baby ever was born to one of my best friends, Jaime.  Her daughter, my niece, is named Cimorene Noelle Roberts.  I was pulling for Noelle, and hey it's in there!  Rene has changed my mind entirely about babies.  They aren't all grossness and cooties.  They're wonderful! I might actually eventually want one.  I'm not certain, but I'm more open to the idea now.

In some unholy coincidence, my birth control prescription ran out.  So Joe and I stopped having sex.  I told him he could go get some condoms if he really wanted to. 
Things deteriorated from there, to us constantly bickering and him getting angry and mean every like 3 seconds.  It occurred to me that he wasn't treating me nicely anymore because he no longer felt he had to to make me stay.  How horrible is that?  You should treat someone nicely because you WANT to because you like them, not because you HAVE to.  It's not a chore. 
I realized that his irrational behavior was making me miserable and walk around on eggshells, trying to avoid upsetting him.  And that if I were to stay with him much longer I'd probably take to drinking heavily just to be able to be around him.
Then I started having dreams about being unfaithful to him.  So last night, before bed, I spoke to him.  told him that if we stayed together, we'd end up hating each other.  And I didn't want that.  So we broke up, with the agreement that we could still occasionally go on dates and he could sleep over until the house he's moving to has power.

I am taking a hiatus from dating to concentrate on school, friends, and family.  I've spent too much of my young life doing things for the he in my world and not enough for the me or the we.  My blood family and my honorary family are too important to me to be absent from them any longer.  School has almost constantly been on the bottom of my priorities, and I've gotten by on luck and talent.  It's time to put in some work!  This is my future that I'm messing with!  I shouldn't be taking chances where my ability to support myself could be jeopardized.

3 days left until my employer is bought out or starts actively dying.  The whole company will be liquidated. Good news: the liquidators pay more.

Classes started yesterday.  Only 4 classes and the A.S. is mine!

Here I am on LiveJournal again, after more than 3 years of hiatus.

I guess I just had to distance myself from all the things I was back then.
I'm clean now, and about to get my associate's of business administration.
I've gone through a lot of changes in my life and I have emerged a stronger person, with my eyes firmly set on the future and making this life a positive experience for myself and those around me.

my old journals are rainbowchipmunk, kaopiper, and ventruexsire.  I won't delete them for the sake of not forgetting that part of my life.

However, they no longer represent me accurately, so henceforth they are officially abandoned.

I want to also preserve my thoughts and whatnot.  But I lose diaries.  I can't lose the internet. So, here I am.  It's been a while, so if anyone has any design elements or tips... I'd enjoy personalizing this journal. Preferably cupcakes. Seriously.

Right now, my main things are bright colors, technology, and cupcakes.  So if anyone can incorporate those into an awesome theme, I'd be forever grateful.

Thanks!

Hi. I'm the sh!thead who didn't find a new job as soon as circuit city declared bankruptcy.
Now, I'm facing unemployment in a matter of weeks.  Actually, at most, it'll be 2 months.

Here's some excerpts from the internal letter:

This week, the company filed with the Bankruptcy Court a motion that seeks Court approval for a process that formally puts the company up for sale. A sale could include as a “going concern” (meaning that the acquirer would continue to operate Circuit City as a business), pieces of the company as separate business units (such as markets, regions, or operating units) or as individual assets (such as the sale of inventory). The motion was made public today in advance of a hearing to approve the motion later today.

Oh, but that's not the concerning bit.


A number of outcomes are possible. We could reach a sale agreement and have it approved by the Court before the auction starts on the 13^th. These discussions or the auction could result in an approved sale agreement before the hearing on the 16^th. Or, we could reach an agreement with the DIP lenders to amend our agreement and change or delay the timing of the hearing on the 16^th. To the extent that these efforts are unsuccessful, we will need to pursue a more dire path for the company.

Dire path? Oh no...

There’s no way to sugar-coat this, so out of respect for you I’m going to be completely honest: if no sale agreement is approved, then the company will be forced to liquidate beginning soon after the hearing on the 16^th.


What then?
The unemployment rate is soaring currently at a daunting 7.2%.  I've only ever really worked in retail, and I will be in direct competition with all 30+ of my coworkers, plus all the employees at the Goody's here that is liquidating.  Rome's job market revolves pretty heavily around the Medical industry and factories. I'm not cut out for factory life and have no medical skills and no stomach to cope with wounded and ill.

So here's the break down:
I'm screwed. Or I could get unemployment! If I have a child, I'll get child support! Hm....
Maybe I'll just stick with panicking.